[LargeFormat] Hiking in the UK declared sinful by the New Reformed Church

[rstein]

Dear Friends,

    Well, I can't stand it any longer.

    Philip Lambert and Another have been touting the UK as a photographic
destination with great potential for the large format photographer. We have
read of disease-free hiking, dry weather, and questionable women. All good
things, and bound to attract, but they have deliberately concealed the
truth....there is a downside to the UK. Read on and beware.

    The first thing you have to do is look at the UK map. Notice the small
round island to the west and the longer skinny island to the east. The one
in the east is known as England - it is largely full of the English and they
in turn are largely full of themselves - it can be a very crowded place
indeed. The island in the west is Ireland and it is also full of English but
they sound different because they are largely full of porter.

    Back to England. There are only two types of Englishmen - Londoners and
Yorkshiremen. The former know all about it and the latter know all about
everything else. The two tribes do not mix naturally, there being a barrier
at Watford Gap. Watford Gap is like the Fulda Gap but not so full of Soviet
tanks, though you wouldn't know it from the driving on the M1.

    You can tell the tribes apart from the sounds they make. I cannot
adequately describe them but I can reccommend several television series from
the UK that you can study for quick recognition. In a pinch listen for
missing "h"s or added "t"s to distinguish them. Or just pinch away and enjoy
yourself.

    You may want to sample typical English food on your photographic visit
to England. I can reccommend a pie shop in Woolwich High Street as a perfect
introduction. I believe it is possible to purchase an Arsenal pie with
genuine arse as one of the ingredients. In any case do try everything that
you can - and you will find that the English can everything. Fresh food is
considered to be anything that has not passed its expiry date and/or
appeared on the table of a Welsh boarding house.

     Did I mention the Welsh before? Sorry. I won't do that again.

    Are there sights to photograph in England? Brixton comes to mind,
followed by Millwall, followed by 3 police vans and an ambulance. Spend some
time in the countryside, preferably round Kent looking for deserted country
lanes and bucolic scenery. Wait for the rain to ease back to a cold fog and
find a pub that closes just before you arrive and experience the joys of the
country. Remember that England has a rich military and naval history and
this can be seen in the pageants of  the changing of the Guard's underwear
 Scot's Guards change with the Irish Guards. ) and the Mary Rose. Well,
eventually it rose.....

    What about Scotland, I hear you say. Or what about Scotland, Jimmie, if
you have been practising. What indeed. Pleated skirts, bad teeth, and more
history than is strictly necessary. Still, you can always expose a few
sheets on the kilty or the kelty or the kirky or whatever the damn thing is.
It is bound to be historic.

    So, after all this if you are still convinced that you would like to see
the best of British and photograph it in comfort, take heart and a Lowepro
bag and book your passage. For New Zealand. And I'm not saying which
passage.

     Uncle Dick

PS: The foregoing has been a paid apolitical announcement. Those of you that
don't get the jokes can suck your teeth in annoyance. If you remove any
fillings call me at the surgery.