[Wonderful Labs] SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR WONDER

[Wonderful Labs]

Mr Wonderful,

	I've been asked to officiate at a friend's wedding ceremony. He's said
that I can say a few words before the "Do you___? Do you___?" part. What
on earth should I say?

Thanks,
Minister Not-so-wonderful
______________
Dear First of the Fallen,

	Hold on.  Before I get to your query - does this Presidency make me
look fat? It's not what I ordered, but *apparently* they only send out
one size.  Something to do with the votes of slightly more than half the
population - what they call the "Simple" majority.  

	Seems awfully odd to me, that is, Mister Wonderful.  After all, when I
visit the cinema and purchase a ticket to see "Shaun of the Dead" they
don't replace it with "Surviving Christmas" if more seats are sold for
that picture.  My gods, more than half the population are *women* - does
that mean we *all* have to have the capacity to bring new life into the
world?  I tried that.  In Germany.  Didn't go over well.  Lots of
screaming, rakes, torches, you know the drill.

	Anyway.  Point is.  If my glass is 51% empty, I don't think that's any
reason to try and say it's completely empty and ready for a full-size
Bullshit Martini.

	So.  Marriage.  Here's a Wonderful notion, and may it serve you well:
Be honest. "Hi.  I could use a snack.  Anyone else want a snack?  It's
gonna be like an hour before we get into the hall, so you might as well
speak up now."  

	And then you just go with the flow.  Marriage is tough enough.  Don't
need no preacher putting idealistic pressure on it.  "Your fights are
always about stupid shit; here's hoping you realize it within a half
hour."  "Kids, Movies, Sex... you get to pick any two."  "You in the
audience, stop crying.  This isn't sad or beautiful - it's legal.  You
want to cry, go to an AIDS hospice.  You want beauty, come with us to
the museum.  But fuck off with your antiquated notion that the bride has
just been sold into the hands of barbarians.  This guy owns a hybrid car."

	"Would anyone like a last fuck at these two?" is only acceptable in
certain Renn Faire cum Baptist congregations.  


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WONDERFUL LABS - Rock With Your Mock Out
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Mister Wonderful Recommends:  Being on the Enemies List.

http://www.lennonfbifiles.com/fbi.html

-- 
Grease Nipples

	"You've been most patient with my kinds of madness."

		- Captain Kirk (William Shatner),
		"Amok Time" (1967)

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