[Wonderful Labs] LET THE WOOKIE WONDER

[Wonderful Labs]

Dear Mister Wonderful,

	On the subject of dewbacks in the first Star Wars movie, why would the
most technologically advanced society of all time, a military power that
can travel the speed of light, shoot crippling lasers out of hand-held
cannons, and travel on anti-gravity sandspeeders, have any use for
humongous, ill-tempered, cow-like lizards?  The storm troopers were
probably all about as confused and irritated by this as I am.  I can
just imagine the following exchange taking place:

	Imperial Commander:  Your mission is to travel down to the surface of
Tatooine and leave no stone unturned until you locate the Death Star
plans that Princess Leia hid in her R2-Unit.  The future of the Empire
depends on your swift and calculated execution of this directive.

	Storm Trooper Sergeant:  That doesn't sound too tough.  I take it we
will be given all the necessary equipment to move on the targets as
expeditiously as possible; desert survival gear, unlimited troops,
anti-gravity vehicles and the like.

	IC:  Yes, this mission comes directly from Darth Vader and should be
treated as the most important Imperial task in this star system.  You
will be outfitted with the most cutting-edge, state of the art equipment
available.  One thing, though, we're going to be riding around on
dewbacks instead of our usual speeders.

	STS: Dewbacks, sir?

	IC:  You know, humongous, ill-tempered, cow-like lizards.

	STS:  I mean no disrespect, sir, but wouldn't it make much more sense
to be outfitted with speeders?  I don't see how these cow-like lizards
are going to help much.

	IC: Obviously, Sergeant, you don't understand how George Lucas' mind
works.  Dewbacks it is.

	STS: Could we at least have quick, intelligent, practical beasts of
burden? I went to Tatooine on Spring Break when I was in high school and
my buddies and I rode around on Rontos, which are kind of like
horse/camel hybrids.

	IC:  You just don't get it.   The next thing you'll say is that if we
ever attack a snow-bound rebel base, we shouldn't do it with gigantic,
easily-tripped ATATs that can be rendered completely useless by a bunch
of really thick tow cables.

	STS:  You're right, Sir.  There really is no point in arguing with a
man that is way more into telling a visual, if not impractical story. 
Peter Jackson would never come up with anything this asinine.

	IC: If you love Peter Jackson so much, why don't you marry him then.

	STS: Maybe I will.

	IC: Fine.

	STS: Fine.

_______________
Dear Larry Kasdan,

	Indeed.  Well.  I'm just going to sit over here in the corner with a
beer and watch the sweaty fanboys try to bulls-eye someone else's womp
rat for a change, if you don't mind.

	Believe me, trying to hold "Star Wars, Inc." to any civilized standard
of logic, narrative, aesthetics, or even acting -- well, you might as
well be waving a box of deep-fried Twinkies in front of these people. 
They go absolutely rabid.  It's like Free Comic Book Day in the Black
Hole of Calcutta.

	Of course, if I *had* to explain the Imperial Stormtroopers riding
dewbacks when even the frickin' Jawas have an SUV, the answer seems
obvious:  

	Halliburton.



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WONDERFUL LABS - Ejaculate?!  In Our Moment Of Triumph?
****************

Mister Wonderful Recommends:  Movies that suit my attention span,
particularly after a hard day freebasing Pop Rocks.  Often with
bunnies.... the movies, not the freebasing.

http://www.angryalien.com/0504/shiningbunnies.html
http://3sygma.com/fiveminute/startrek/ii.html
http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/content/sistole_diastole?mid=65258782
http://www.geocities.com/bugsvideo/history.htm

-- 
Mars Attacks

	"I remember this particular afternoon because we had
	consumed an immense quantity of bad coffee, hours and 
	hours of it, and my skin had become electrified, my
	fingertips tingling, my hands spasmodic." 

	- James P. Blaylock,
	"Two Men in New Suits"


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