[Wonderful Labs] A COFFIN FOR WONDER

[Wonderful Labs]

Dear Mister Wonderful,

	I have this awful habit of developing a nervous cough at the wrong
moments. When I was in college, this wrong moment was always in the
concert hall, just after the lights had dimmed and the conductor was
taking the stage, and the hush of respectful anticipation had fallen
over the audience -- *COUGH COUGH COUGH!!!!* went I. Somebody one said
it sounded like cannon fire!

	Well, now I avoid concerts like the plague, but the habit is starting
to rear its ugly head whenever my supervisor comes into the office.  I'm
working away, happy little drone that I am, 'til my supervisor walks
in--then I'm caught in a coughing fit that forces me to run gasping to
the water cooler. 

	I'm sure it's all in my head, but I still have not found a way to stop
it. Help?

_________________
Dear Chestburster,

	Hey babe, if I could find a way to stop all the things going on in *my*
head, you'd be deleting a Viagra ad right now.

	Instead of this.  Hilarious.  Column.

	Look, all that aside, most sensible people avoid concerts like the
plague, because, honestly, a concert is a good place to catch the
plague.  And herpes... they used to call that the "Venusian Plague" back
at old Miskatonic U., because you would catch it from members of Bananarama.

	Syphilis you got from David Bowie.

	Anyway, what *you* need are WONDERFUL LABORATORIES brand
"SYKE-O-MATIC!" Go-Time Happy Pills (available in four flavors: orchid,
blue sky, wet salmon and salt cream)!!  "Anything you might imagine is
wrong with you probably is, and WE BELIEVE YOU."  GTHP is a compound
powered by faith, so if it doesn't cure what ails you, *it's your
fault*.  Just take two caplets whenever you feel you need to, then watch
the pounds melt away.  Or whatever.

	

***************
WONDERFUL LABS - Popularity Is For Losers
***************

Mister Wonderful Recommends:  Taking a Turing for the better. 
Jabberwacky is an AI that learns.  It learns, damn you!  Even cooler,
it'll learn anything you teach it - i.e. insults and stupid things. 
Just like a real human!  Another thing:  Jabberwacky doesn't follow
pre-programmed scripts, so it won't sound like a bunkered-down echo
chamber government press conference.  Thom Yorke of Radiohead shall be chuffed.

http://www.jabberwacky.com/j2about
http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,3604,1135750,00.html

-- 
Honey Why

	"He lets his gonads do the judging, which means
	that the Galadriel with the best cleavage will
	win."

		-Sharyn McCrumb, sadly, not talking about the Oscars.
		"Bimbos of the Death Sun" (1988)


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