[Wonderful Labs] A Berry Best of Wonderful

[Wonderful Laboratories]

*********** Don't you hate it when you have clouds in your coffee,
clouds in your coffee, and you're *not* so vain... you'll not encounter
that problem here at Wonderful Laboratories, where the future means
never having to deal with the past, so long as you keep skipping ahead
of the sound of thunder.  Tonight we present a Wonderful that you had
several years ago, but love all the same.  Enjoy!


-------- Original Message --------
Subject: WONDER THE LONELY
Date: Thu, 27 Jul 2000 

Dear Mister Wonderful,

	You'll probably just make fun of me, but here goes anyway. My boyfriend
is out of town and I miss him badly. What should I do?


Signed,
One of those ladies that goes running to 
dock when the boats come in in that 
Perfect Storm movie, only the boats are
still out and that fishy smell isn't an issue
__________________
Dear Mrs. Paul,

	You're darn right I'll make fun of you.  Who the hell says "here goes
anyway"?  

	I could maybe see, "anyway, here goes:", that's not bad, a nice little
conversational style.  You could also say "here goes nothin'" - that
doesn't make sense either, but at least it's a common colloquialism. 
"Here goes anyway" sounds like it should be something people say, but I
don't think it is.  

	Of course, you say it in your head enough and you're going to convince
yourself that you're sure you've heard it somewhere before.  Like when
you're typing and out comes a word that suddenly looks funny.  So you
erase it and spell it a different way.  But that looks funny, too.  So
you type out the first version and look at them side by side and they
both seem equally right, which is to say, a little bit wrong.  So you
spell-check.  No errors.  The computer thinks they're both right, which
freaks you out because you know that at least one of them is hinky. 
Then it occurs to you that you or some other moron might have added a
bad spelling to the User Dictionary by mindlessly clicking through a
long document one day.  Happens all the time.  You get busy adding
people's names and "batmobile" and blammo, the computer thinks "bannana"
is a word.  So you go to a real dictionary.  The one you bought in
college your freshman year and only opened once, to print your name in
block letters on the inside cover.  And you get a grip on the whole
alphabet thing, and you flip past the letter you're looking for, and you
start singing the alphabet song, but you find the right section, and you
start running your finger down the page like a medieval monk, and you
flip to the next page and start humming the Sesame Street theme, do the
thing with the finger again, stop.  Hum a little worriedly, flip back to
the previous page.  Run down the column again.  Shit.  The word.  Isn't.
 There.  Either this cheap dictionary just couldn't be bothered OR you
don't know how to spell this word *at all* and this is turning out to be
much more embarrassing then you thought because how many times have you
typed a paper or a letter or an e-mail and NOT spell-checked?  Too many
times, that's right.  And no one told you.  Ambiguity yawns hungrily
with terrible infinite teeth. Fearful of a cold universe without
firmament, shocked mindless by chaos and relativity, you find yourself
whimpering under the desk.

	That's when Mister Dark and Mister Malice show up.

	I think you should buy a Sony Playstation.  There's plenty of fun
Lara-Croft-type games to engage your mind while you're alone and then
it's something to do with your boyfriend when he gets back.  Have fun!

************************
LEAVE THE WONDERFUL TO US
************************

-- 
Thought Pusher

	"The soul is restless and furious, it wants to tear itself
	apart, and cure itself of being human."

		-Ugo Betti

http://www.linecamp.com/museums/americanwest/western_names/masterson_bat/masterson_bat.html

http://www.carlysimon.com/vain/ysvmix.ram