[Wonderful Labs] ALLERGIC TO WONDER

[Wonderful Labs]

Dear Wonderful,

	Since when are peanuts so damn deadly?

Signed,
Emeril Lagasse
_________________
Dear Skippy Pan,

	Yes, I recall it now, and with some shame... the year was 1957, and
Marilyn Monroe had just swept out of the Wonderful Laboratories foyer in
a formidable huff and my second-best ermine-trimmed lab coat.  

	"Well, you can tell Miller that that's the last clap he gets from me!"
I shouted at her wildly undulating backside.

	Mister Dark waited for the taxi to screech away before he stepped out
of his portable shadow and threw an icy arm over my shoulders.  "There,
there, Wonderfumble, I understand... and believe me, I sympathize with
your plight," he said with no traces of sympathy or understanding.  "But
now is the time to look forward, to look towards opportunity."

	"What opportunity?" I asked in the tone of voice I normally reserve for
quiet snakes and smiling priests.  I was out of my mind with dejection
and jealousy, but I wasn't *stupid*.

	"I have of late considered going into the traveling carnival business,"
said Mister Dark.  "But my partner and I have concerns that the venture
may not prove to be as... homicidally lucrative as we hope.  Oh, the
rides shall be rickety and the staff shall be dubious, but the mortality
statistics from Mister Disney's ratland show that to be insufficiently
sanguine.  Very disappointing.  So, what we are looking to you for, my
dear Wonderboobie, is concessions."

	I raised an eyebrow.  

	"We trust you can discover an indetectable method to murder those
moppets - to poison the popcorn, put ichor in the ice creams, chloroform
the cotton candy, corrupt the corn dogs, foul the funnel cakes,
suffocate with sweets, choke with chocolates..."

	"But this is madness!" I cried out.  "You can't envenom the entrees you
serve - the police will catch on in no time.  No, what you *should* do
is create an airborne virus that rewires human genetic material so that
it collapses and triggers an out-of-proportion immune response when
confronted with specific proteins, like those in peanuts.  It could
resemble an allergy.  Year by year, more people would be mortally
affected, and your carnival will seem just another coincidental deathtrap."

	"Not bad," said Mister Dark.  "But why peanuts?"

	"Joe DiMaggio works in a ballpark and Arthur Miller works in a
theater," I said, looking at the empty doorway.  "You figure it out."


*******************
WONDERFUL LABS - We Apologize For Our Length
*******************

Mister Wonderful Recommends:  The Gallerias Wonderfulistas.  When people
who enjoy this sort of nonsense create, it is a marvel to behold. 
Patronize these portfolios, won't you?  And feed them back well.

http://www.glasseye.org/
http://www.petpresident.com/
http://www.katura-art.com/index.htm
http://www.satanicracoon.com/
http://www.multipledigression.com/type/

-- 
Der Hexer

	"Because a laugh's the wisest, easiest answer to
	all that's queer."

		- Herman Melville,
		"Moby Dick"

See London!  See France!
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