[Wonderful Labs] BREEDING WONDER

[Wonderful Labs]

Dear Mister Wonderful,

	I am starting to realize that orchids are the most sneakishly devilish
plants around.  They put euphorbs to shame, with their spring-loaded
pollinia and motile lips and subterranean saprophytic habits and twisty
pallid nightcrawler roots reaching down from the ceilings... 

	I'm starting to get nervous, since they are even loitering around
Trader Joe's nowadays.  I mean, I'm afraid I'll get slapped with a
pollinarium even when boarding the goddamn city bus.  Do you have any
good orchid-repellent for those nasty wasp-impersonating testicular
renegade photosynthesizers?

--Sister Suzy
_______________
Dear Jar-Jar O'Keefe,

	Did someone say Triffids?  Let's take on those Triffids!  They spit
poison and kill, you know... 

	No?  Just orchids?  Pity.  I often sleep with my day-glo-red sunglasses
and Triffid Gun at the ready, just in case.  Just in case a nymphomaniac
with night-vision goggles and a geek fetish decides to burst through the
door, apparently.

	Mister Wonderful once knew a rich old man in San Francisco who kept
orchids for health reasons.  He needed the hothouse, you see, but found
the orchids distasteful.  "Nasty things!" he'd say. "Their flesh is too
much like the flesh of men, and their perfume has the rotten sweetness
of corruption."  He'd watch me drink his liquor, then his daughters
would hit on me and teach me to whistle while I slapped Peter Lorre
around.  Wait!  That wasn't me.  That was Humphrey Bogart.  Then
again... have you ever seen us together in the same room?  How do you
know we're different people?  For a start: I'm not dead with lungs like
hickory-smoked hockey pucks.

	I really did once know a testicular renegade, but who hasn't?  I mean,
that's the trouble with gym shorts.


	No offense, but most of these aggressive flowers are making up for
being acaulescent, if you know what I mean.  You want to put them off, I
suggest engaging in a bit of protective stereotype camouflage - some
fungi scent, short haircuts and a spiky belt should do it.  Maybe a
flannel shirt.  

	Send the signal that you're like most folk, bilaterally symmetrical,
but you *prefer* stigmatic surfaces.  It would take a particularly thick
pollinia to ignore that.  


*****************
WONDERFUL LABS - Secrets Strong Enough For A Man But Made For Abdul Alhazred
*****************

Mister Wonderful Recommends:  Making the bold decision to reference
"Where the Wild Things Are" *and* Sodom and Gommorah in your editorial
piece.  In Florida, no less.  When your name is *Pierre*.  When he
jumps, you can hear 'em clangin'.

http://www.commondreams.org/views03/0401-09.htm

-- 
In Japan, the Sarcastic Fringehead is known as Fantazikku Kage, King of
the Robot World, and rules over all the robots on Earth.

	"A world leader who's convinced that life
	is merely trial for the more valuable
	and authentic afterlife is less hesitant
	to risk starting a nuclear holocaust.  A
	politician or corporate executive who's 
	expecting the Rapture to arrive on the
	next flight from Jerusalem is not going
	to worry much about polluting oceans or
	destroying forests.  Why should he?"

		-Tom Robbins, 
		"Skinny Legs and All" (1990)



**Worksheds**
Proselytizing
http://www.wonderfullabs.com/tempe.html
Prose Poems
http://www.livejournal.com/~ideaspace
Prostitution
http://www.cafeshops.com/apotheosis