Message

I=20
have a feeling this is what would happen to me. :-)

(I know =
things are=20
getting mighty serious in this old world at the moment,
but =
perhaps
a=20
little humor wouldn't=20
hurt)
________________________________________________

COMMENTA=
RY - BY=20
M.J. WILDE

As you've known all your life, duct tape is like the =
Force. It=20
has a
light side, a dark side, and it is the stuff that binds not =
only=20
our
universe together, but much of our cheap broken stuff as =
well.

Now=20
four out of five terrorist experts say, "But oh! That's =
not
all."

It=20
is in fact duct tape - and only duct tape - that stands between=20
our
free-breathing society and our complete annihilation by=20
hostilely
flung chemical death.

Good tip. Good to know that a =
fat roll=20
of duct tape coupled with a
few sheets of plastic can seal me up in =
my=20
bathroom when disaster
strikes. That way I can have a few hours more =
to=20
conjure the
horrible death that awaits me outside once I run out of=20
s'mores,
water and, well, air.

The only problem is that I have =
no real=20
flair with duct tape. You
know, it doesn't seem to matter how slowly =
and=20
methodically I try to
unroll it and apply it, it gets twisted and =
sticks to=20
itself and ends
up in a ball at my feet. I did make a fine duct tape=20
jump-rope once,
though.

Now if I can't handle duct tape on a=20
leisurely, nonterrorizing,
think-I'll-order-a-pizza Saturday, how can =
I=20
possibly do a good
vacuum seal job during a full-blown, =
end-of-the-world=20
panic
(especially with all the distracting screaming I'll be =
doing)?
You'd=20
find me Cling Wrapped on my living room floor looking like
last =
week's=20
leftover hot dog.

You know, the terrorist experts also want me to =
put=20
together a
disaster kit that includes a signal flare, a fire=20
extinguisher
and a small cooking stove.

Come on. I couldn't =
figure out=20
that caulking gun I bought to do the
tile in my bathroom, so I filled =
it with=20
frosting. Not to decorate
cakes, but because sometimes you just want =
a fun=20
way to eat frosting.

And I once Super Glued my hand to the inside =
of my=20
shoe. Don't ask.

Giving me a signal flare is like giving a monkey =
a bowl=20
of pudding.
Something bad's gonna happen.

But let me ask you, =
if duct=20
tape and plastic don't keep out the cold -
that's a big joke on us by =
those=20
sneaky manufacturers -
or New Mexico's dirt off my kitchen floor, =
what chance=20
does
it have against wafting death?

They also say that if =
something=20
biologically icky happens I should
immediately remove all my clothes =
and wash=20
myself with soapy water.

Well, What if I'm in 7-Eleven? Or what =
if it's a=20
false alarm, and I
end up naked and soapy in the grocery produce=20
department?
(Well, that is where they keep that hose to wash the=20
veggies.)

Disaster experts indeed.

Of course, I can =
understand=20
about being prepared for something
I might survive with perhaps only =
an extra=20
eye in the middle
of my forehead, the scales of a serpent or a =
superpower or=20
two.
But please don't give me advice on how to survive a nuclear=20
bomb.
That ain't gonna happen. Survival is not really an =
option.

A=20
couple of my favorites are:

Don't look at the flash or fireball. =
It can=20
blind you. (There's gonna
be a FIREBALL!?)

Get under ground as =
quickly=20
as possible. I can honestly say
I do not have the digging skills =
required for=20
this task,
no matter how much I want to "Be the Gopher."

(This =
one if=20
my favorite) If you're caught outside with no
protection, lie flat on =
the=20
ground and cover your head.
Well, finally something I can do without =
going=20
through
basic training. And it sure makes sense, doesn't it?
Plus, =
if I=20
spread my arms and legs out and flap them,
I can leave a purdy =
nuclear snow=20
angel smudge.

I actually do have a plan if terror strikes. Yeah. =
I know=20
exactly
what to do if I get wind of death headed my way.
I'm gonna =
duct=20
tape myself to my fully loaded liquor cabinet.

Duct tape. It's =
like the=20
Force, you know

 a=20
        joke to lighten people's spirits--------

 Bush and =
Osama=20
        decided to settle the war once and for all. They
 sat =
down and=20
        decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.
They =
would=20
        have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world =
and which=20
        ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the=20
        world.

         Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman =
and=20
        Rottweiler female
        dogs in the world and bred =
them with=20
        the meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest =
and=20
        strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which =
gave=20
        him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the =
biggest,=20
        meanest dog the
world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel =
bars that=20
        were 5 " thick
and nobody could get near=20
it.

        When the day came for the dog =
fight,=20
        Bush showed up with a strange
looking animal. It was a 9 =
foot=20
        long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry forBush because there =
was no=20
        way that this dog could possibly last
10 seconds with the=20
        Afghanistani dog.

        When the cages were opened, =
the=20
        Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards =
Osama's=20
        dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage =
and=20
        charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close =
enough=20
        to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog =
in one=20
        bite. There was nothing left of his dog at =
all.

        Osama came up=20
        to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We=20
        don't
understand how this could have =
happened. We=20
        had our best people
 working for 5 years with the =
meanest=20
        Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the =
biggest,=20
        meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. =
"We had=20
        Michael Jackson's plastic
surgeons working for 5 years to =
make that=20
        alligator look like=20
        =
a
 weenie dog."

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