[AGL] anusing

[Fontaine Maverick]

Amusing indeed - made me smile. I'll look her up.
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Michael Eisenstadt" <mike.eisenstadt at gmail.com>
To: <austin-ghetto-list at pairlist.net>
Sent: Sunday, September 13, 2009 10:57 AM
Subject: [AGL] anusing



> The Tractor Driver or the Pothead?

>  a.. By RHODA JANZEN

> Published: September 11, 2009

> Cosmic forces have a way of turning up the heat to make us change. Nothing 

> gets your attention, for example, like being ditched by your husband for a 

> guy he met on Gay.com, or having your car totaled by an inebriated youth 

> six days later. Had I done anything to deserve these things? Nothing. I 

> ran six miles a day and made my own yogurt! But when your husband is out 

> canoodling with a dude, the thing to do is pack your bags and head home 

> for a while, even if home is a Mennonite community 3,000 miles away in 

> California and at 43 you're no longer a practicing Mennonite.

>

> Mennonites, by the way, are not the Amish, although both espouse 

> simplicity, nonviolence and cabbage. And unlike the Amish, most Mennonites 

> drive cars. Which is how my mom and I got to Circuit City one afternoon a 

> few days after my arrival in late 2006.

> We were in the customer-service line. Weary consumers clutched their 

> disappointments, but my mother was in her usual cheerful spirits. The 

> presence of strangers eight inches away notwithstanding, she suddenly 

> said, "If there aren't any single men where you are, I know someone for 

> you."

>

> "Who?"

>

> "Your cousin Mark - he's a professor in Nova Scotia," she said earnestly. 

> "And he has a beach house."

>

> According to Mom, Mark (his middle name) and I had something in common: I 

> teach college, too. And we had something else in common: grandparents. 

> "Mark is my first cousin," I said. "That's both incestuous and weird."

>

> My Mennonite mother considered this. "Well," she said, "I think it should 

> be fine if you don't have kids. You can adopt. Mark would make a terrific 

> father. You should see him with his nephews."

>

> I had no idea how to reply. Maybe now was a good time to mention that, 

> with my husband gone three months, I had already been out on a couple of 

> dates. This new guy wasn't the love of my life, but I had lowered the bar, 

> see. He wasn't Mr. Right, but he was Mr. Straight.

>

> Mom was disappointed, but she took it in stride. "What's your fellow 

> like?"

>

> I was too emotionally battered to utter polite fibs. "He's a slacker, 

> really. A relaxed pothead. He wears pajamas to Target."

>

> "Oh." She nodded supportively. "A relaxed pothead sounds nice."

>

> It made sense, I suppose, that a woman who would promote endogamous 

> marriage would not blink at a pothead. "Maybe my cousin smokes a little 

> weed," I said speculatively (although I'd bet my few remaining assets that 

> he does not).

>

> "No," Mom said. "Mark would never do weed! He drives a tractor! In his 

> spare time!"

>

> "How does driving a tractor prevent you from smoking weed?"

>

> By now several people in line were eavesdropping.

>

> "If you drive a tractor in your spare time," my mother said firmly, "it 

> means that you have a strong work ethic, which is probably why Mark has 

> had the gumption to earn himself a nice beach house."

>

> "Surely he doesn't drive his tractor on the beach?"

>

> "No! He drives it at his parents', of course! He gives the nephews rides."

>

> "Oh! I thought that he was working on the tractor!"

>

> "Mark works very hard," Mom said. "You know perfectly well that a tractor 

> can be hard work and fun too. Like marriage."

>

> One of the best things about Mom is that she will follow you anywhere, 

> conversationally speaking. "Mom," I said, "would you rather marry a 

> pleasant pothead or your first cousin on a tractor? Both are associate 

> professors."

>

> "You marry your pothead if you like," she said, "But as for me and my 

> house, we will serve the Lord."

>

> "Hey!" I said, indignant. "How do you know the pothead doesn't serve the 

> Lord?"

>

> "I think that the Lord appreciates a man on a tractor more than a man 

> smoking marijuana in his pajamas," Mom said earnestly. "I know I do."

>

> "O.K., O.K.," I said, as we neared the counter. "I give up. I will marry 

> Cousin Mark. Just as soon as he asks me. You'll be our first guest at the 

> beach house in Nova Scotia. But I'm warning you now, there's gonna be a 

> little weed on your pillow. Instead of a mint."

>

> She chuckled comfortably. "That's O.K. I don't like mints."

>

> Rhoda Janzen is the author of the memoir, "Mennonite in a Little Black 

> Dress," which is being published next month. This essay is adapted from 

> the book.

>