[AGL] Need gas; pull my finger

[Harry Edwards]

COMMENTARY: JOHN KELSO
You don't really need gas, right?
 
Sunday, September 04, 2005

Want cheap gas? Pull my finger.

I can't decide whether to get me a horse or a bicycle to get to work.

The reason I'm thinking of changing my mode of transportation from 
Honda Accord to Schwinn? It's this scary remark from President George 
W. Bush that makes me figure gasoline prices aren't going anywhere but 
up.

"Don't buy gas if you don't need it," President Bush told the American 
people on Thursday.

What this tells me is that the price of gasoline is about to jump from 
$2.79 a gallon to $3.19. So I better go fill up fast.

Don't buy gas if you don't need it. Why does this remind me of "Let 
them eat cake?" That's like saying, if you don't need air, stop 
breathing.

OK, so I know what Bush was trying to say. He was trying to say that 
because of distribution and refinery problems caused by Hurricane 
Katrina, it would be helpful if Americans didn't buy gas unless it's 
absolutely necessary.

Of course, if the refinery improvement program continues at the same 
rate as the New Orleans evacuation, our best bet is the invention of an 
engine that runs on road apples. Who's running this country anyway? The 
Marx Brothers?

Besides, how many people buy gas just for laughs when they don't need 
it? "Hey, I know what. I think I'll go buy me $100 worth of gas. I 
don't need it. I just like lookin' at it. I got me a lava lamp, and I'm 
gonna fill it up with Chevron."

Bush's biggest mistake, though, was telling Americans not to buy 
something because there's a shortage. You know what this does? It 
creates lines of people waiting to buy something because there's a 
shortage.

Oh, by the way, the president wants you to continue with your normal 
activities after you run out of gas on the interstate and have to hike 
home on the access road.

Yes, there are some handy steps you can take as an American to make a 
gallon of gasoline stretch farther.

When you go to to work out, you could stop driving around in the Gold's 
Gym parking lot looking for a parking spot 20 feet closer to the front 
door.

You could park that Chevrolet Titanic you're driving and use it as a 
planter. Don't you get lonely sitting in the front seat of that thing 
all by yourself? Why do you need that much car for one guy? Are you 
fixing to go on the all-Hoffbrau diet and gain 100 pounds?

Another thing you could do to save on gas is stop taking your kids to 
school in the family car. Make them walk. Check that. Make them 
low-crawl. There's a fat kid outbreak in this country, and our youth 
could stand to sweat out some of those Ding Dongs.

Hey, I saw a chunky teenage-lookin' male thing Friday morning getting 
out of a car on my street in South Austin who had on a black T-shirt 
that said, "Work bad. Video games good." Hey kid. Doritos bad, knuckle 
sandwich good. I suspect this kid's mother was driving him to school. 
Big mistake. She should put his Twinkie'ed tush on a 20-mile forced 
march and save herself some money at the pump.

John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact 
him at 445-3606 or jkelso at statesman.com.