The Thank God for Squeezebags Awards

[Harry Edwards]

                  Will Durst - WorkingForChange.com

02.25.05 - Well... look at the time. Can it really be so close to 
spring that we're forced to wrap ourselves in industrial strength 
plastic wrap to avoid drowning in the leakage of enough weepy Award 
Show insincerity to fill a 55-gallon drum worth of ego splooey every 
night? Already? So soon?

  It seems like only last week we columnists were handing out our End of 
the Year Awards. And now it's almost March and I got a crick in my neck 
from ducking all the gold plated statuettes being flung around like 
lids at an airport Starbucks kiosk. Like hair spray at a West Virginia 
Junior Miss Pageant. Like profanities at a Dick Cheney press 
conference. So in the spirit of the season, let us now settle in for 
the most serious and consequential of all the awards ceremonies: The 
Will Durst Thank God for These Liquid Squeezebags Because I'm a Comic 
Awards. Get yourself a cache of adult amber beverages, sit down and 
relax. Your gift bag is being diverted to Halliburton's Home Division 
as we speak.

  BEST MAKEOVER: Howard Dean. New head of the National Democratic Party. 
Risen from the dead to preside over the graveyard.

  WHY WON'T ANYONE RETURN MY CALLS AWARD: Senator John Kerry.

  HORSE'S HEAD AWARD: Doug Wead, the guy who secretly taped phone calls 
from Dubya.

  COMEBACK OF THE YEAR AWARD: Martha Stewart. Emerges from 6 months in 
prison with a prime time series. An abject lesson to all evildoers to 
think twice before breaking the law.

  THE HE KNOWS MORE THAN HE'S LETTING ON AND I'M NOT SURE IT'S GOOD NEWS 
AWARD: Alan Greeenspan.

  THE NOT AS DUMB AS HIS HAIR LOOKS AWARD: Donald Trump.

  BEST CHOREOGRAPHER: Karl Rove. Exit polls, schmexit polls. It's not 
who votes that counts, it's who counts the votes.

  THE AREN'T YOUR 15 MINUTES OVER YET AWARD: Paris Hilton for third year 
in a row.

  THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN AMERICA AWARD: for fifth year in a row, 
Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens' doctor. Hang in there, doc.

  SHEEP'S CLOTHING AWARD: George W Bush for the provision in his 
education package which mandates high schools turn over names and 
addresses of students to Defense Department Recruiters. In an era of 
recruitment shortages, gives a whole new meaning to the program's 
title: "No Child Left Behind."

  PIXIE DUST AWARD: To all baby boomers even halfway counting on Social 
Security still being around when they get old. Like next week.

  BEST COMING ATTRACTIONS: The administration's line on Iran. "We have 
no plans to invade Iran at this time. That being said, we're keeping 
our options open." Sounds to me like the sell-by date of "at this time" 
has already passed. Pretty sure if it were milk, you'd want to check 
before dumping it on your corn flakes.

  UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT AWARD: Michael Jackson for wearing lipstick 
while reading a press release maintaining his innocence on child 
molestation charges.

  THE I'M SO LUCKY, I'M UNCONSCIOUS AWARD: Fifth year in a row, George W 
Bush.

  STAR WARS AWARD: US Defense Department for using unmanned drones to 
spy on rebel enemies. Only problem is, I think this makes us the Evil 
Empire.

  BEST SCORE: Whoever sold the grilled cheese sandwich graced with the 
image of the Virgin Mary on Ebay for $28,000. The sandwich now on a 
nationwide tour. Wonder who's opening? The french fry that looks like 
Abraham Lincoln?

  THE OH MY GOD, NOT YOU AGAIN AWARD: Newt Gingrich, who is threatening 
a run at the White House in 2008. President Newt. That's scarier than 
the Donald Rumsfeld Swimsuit Calendar.

  Will Durst has been nominated for numerous awards, but never won. Kind 
of like the Susan Lucci of standup.

  Don't forget to catch Durst at the San Francisco Punch Line all next 
week, Tuesday, March 1, through Saturday, March 5. 415 397 4337.

  (c) 2005 WorkingForChange. All Rights Reserved

  URL: http://www.workingforchange.com/article.cfm?ItemID=18625