Ho Ho Ho - Ouch

[Wayne Johnson]

You know Byron, it is people like you that dun't believe in the Ark neither!

wj

(Everyone one knows Santa uses "hyper space" anyway.......Beam me up 
Rudolph!)
----- Original Message ----- 
From: <blacky@cbn.net.id>
To: <austin-ghetto-list@pairlist.net>
Cc: <gravity4u@aemail4u.com>
Sent: Monday, December 13, 2004 7:29 PM
Subject: Ho Ho Ho - Ouch


> This is old but still funny, folks.
>
> Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective
>
> There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
> world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,
> Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the
> workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million
> (according to the population reference bureau).
>
> At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to
> 108 million homes, assuming that there is at least one good child in each.
>
> Passing through different time zones and compensating for the rotation of
> the earth, and further assuming he travels east to west (which seems
> logical), this works out to 967.7 visits per second.
>
> This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa
> has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, hop down the
> chimney, fill the stockings, distribute remaining presents under the tree,
> eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump
> into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
>
> Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around
> the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the
> purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per
> household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops
> or breaks.
>
> Santa's sleigh must thus be moving at 650 miles per second, or 3,000 times
> the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest manmade
> vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second,
> and a conventional reindeer can run (at most) 15 miles per hour.
>
> The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that
> each child is to receive nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two
> pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa
> himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300
> pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the
> normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them.
> Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting
> the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the
> weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
>
> 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
> resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a
> spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
> would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short,
> they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
> behind them to the impact and creating deafening sonic booms in their
> wake.
>
> The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
> second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
>
> Not that this matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating
> from a dead stop to 650 miles per second in the space of .001 seconds,
> would be subjected to an acceleration force of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound
> Santa (which would in fact mean an unusually svelte Santa) would be pinned
> to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly
> flattening him, crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a
> quivering film of pink goo.
>
> Therefore, even if Santa did exist, he has been annihilated.
>
> Merry Christmas.
>
> NOTE:
> When Santa Runs Out Of Prozac...
>
>
> Dear Santa,
>
> I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I
> really really want a fire truck this year!
>
> Love, Joey
>
> Dear Joey,
>
> Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch
> your house.  You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do
> with.
>
> - Santa
>
>
> Dear Santa,
>
> I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
> and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
>
> Love, Teddy
>
> Dear Teddy,
>
> What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the
> babysitter?  He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!  Let
> me get you some nice Legos instead.
>
> - Santa
>
>
> Dear Santa,
>
> I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
> your reindeer outside the backdoor.
>
> Love, Susan
>
> Dear Susan,
>
> Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the reindeer fart in my face.
> You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a bottle of Jaegermeister and a couple
> of Cohibas!
>
> -Santa
>
> Dear Santa,
> I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
> YeR FReND, BiLLy
>
>
> Dear Billy,
> Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist.
> How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write?
> I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
>
> -Santa
>
> Dearest Santa,
>
> We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
>
> Love, Marky
>
>
> Mark,
>
> Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting your ass
> whipped at school.  Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent
> apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just
> like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
>
> - Santa
>
>
> Have a pleasant (and sober) one.
>
>
> BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
>